Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.