Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.