Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd