I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
is he marrying that labradoodle
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.