Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever