Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it