“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
welp
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.