“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
socratic questions
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay