“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
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SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.