“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
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Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
LOL!
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.