I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
You Might Also Like
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.