I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Had to try this trend 😊
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”