I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore