Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

just make the entire table out of coaster

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

#gardening

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

😂

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police