Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart