I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]