I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
cry laughing at this shit
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?