im 7 sauces long
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’m never leaving this app.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.