You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
You Might Also Like
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t