Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

Can’t. Being lazy.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.