I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I have many caverns
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler