Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.