Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

The best plant holders?

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

stand with me against insufficient seating