I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
You Might Also Like
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
some things should go without saying
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
When you’ve simply given up.