Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.