I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
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I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Previously On Persistence 😎
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude