Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

This is why I hate group projects

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

How I like cutting carbs

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”