i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
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I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Are you ok, human???
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges