Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

#DesignFail

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before