Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

dictator is short for richard potato

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*