Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.