i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
You Might Also Like
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.