i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
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(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
#have a #great #PancakeDay
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]