i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us