Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

If you are reading this then you are reading this

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

I was just discussing this with my cat

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

My typo game is string.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

love it when they get my name right

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.