i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day