I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
