Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess