Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Me trying to reach for my goals

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit