I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.