I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech