Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them