Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Delightful if true: booby trap.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

.. do you even science?

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack