Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Do not levitate over flowers

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.