Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honey, bring out the fine china.

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory