I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
the composer
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
sigh
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?