I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.
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My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’