I’m a bad influence on myself.
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My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
always be there
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…