I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
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She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Become ungovernable.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
remember
only for emergencies
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If only
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party