I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
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Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Anarchy
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.