I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
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My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I love wikipedia
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause