I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
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me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
i think both sides are to blame here
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
This makes total sense…
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”