For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I need this for my side hustle.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Rooting for the overdog
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote