I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
You Might Also Like
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making