I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Fruity
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*