Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers