I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers