Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.