I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
You Might Also Like
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I hate my earbuds.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?