Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?