Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Managing expectations

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

The fall of Netflix

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

Brands during Pride

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.