I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
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My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Effort made
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.