I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
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Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Sponch
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky