I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
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Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks