I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
You Might Also Like
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Is fake venison called venisn’t
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.