I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
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You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Damn he played himself
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today