I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*