I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Happy Thanksgiving
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’m crying im so happy for them
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.