I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.