I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing