I’m a carb girl, born and bread
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
three things we don’t talk about
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
birds and squirrels envy us
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too