Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

this is the kind of friend i am

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.