im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
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Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Bond. Trauma bond.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*