I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
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i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I’m literally crying
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers