Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!