Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them
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[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
& double the price
“are u ok?”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on