Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them
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PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”