@shutupmikeginn

I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them

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@david8hughes

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

@TheToddWilliams

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

@BoogTweets

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

@VeryLonelyLuke

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

@sonictyrant

If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.

@iVanillaGorilla

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

@TheNardvark

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

@boxergraphix

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

@MariyaAlexander

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

@Parkerlawyer

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”