I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
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Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing