@shutupmikeginn

I’m a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them

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@Gupton68

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

@ShutUpThatsWho

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

@ElizaBayne

Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

@a_olivia4212

We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

@robdelaney

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

@PickleRudd

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

@clichedout

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on