I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
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My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
