“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
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Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.