I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to