I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball: