Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Me when my alarm goes off

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me