I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
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Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Wednesday
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Dietest Coke
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.