Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

Not messing around

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

*ernest hemingway voice*

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.