Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”